You can't really undo old mistakes. You can apologize if you believe you were wrong, but you can only ever build something new. In some cases, for me, that's working right now. In others, I have no interest in building a damn thing.
If I can't trust you now, and am pretty sure I should never trust you again, what is there to build?
People want me to fix this thing, you see, with my sister. The sister I chose. I see why they all want it; it was powerful and beneficial and rare. I would have forgiven anything, and did. Anything save that thing that she'd already done once. I can only forgive that once. I should only forgive it once.
Aside from all of that, toxic is toxic- no matter who is right, wrong, or both. That's the real bottom line.
I will not make a move on this. I cannot. Not now. I know that we'll face each other again sometime, but I won't do it until I'm ready. If I ever am. I no longer wish to be where I am not wanted for what I am. I will not make changes in my priorities because someone else thinks I should. I cannot learn to love myself when one of the most important people in my life thinks that I'll only deserve unconditional love once I make whatever changes she wishes. I never did that to her, and I'll no longer accept less.
I will always love her. But I will not keep her.
Now, onward.
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1 comment:
Ive railed aginst april repeatedly, for years even. i guess i was one of the few males in your life not trying to fuck her and follow her around all stupid-eyed so i never fell under the charm spell, i never realized her worth (yeah heather, your burnout lose pseudo hipster is so cooooooooollll?) infact, there was time i was actively disappointing in your forgiveness and helping her.
andt from what i can put together her instability has been an issue to your well being since you got to that fuckn city. some people you chose to be around are so profoundly disconnected from the world around them its dizzying. repeated efforts to assisinate your character and include the people around you.
her offences seem to always slip her memory, the fact she acts like a crackhead whore (sleeping around on good men and exposing you to fucking crack and that criminal), making the people who stupidly care for her repeatedly suffer the dregs of her selfish substance abuse, lies by way of misperception,allowed her friend to rob you and then in front of my face did fucking intellectual gymnastics to justify her apathy which boiled down to "i didnt rob heather and i have things to gain from who did" ORGANIZED PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU HOMELESS; TOOK YOUR SECURED LIVING SPACE OUT FROM UNDER FROM YOU WHEN YOU WERE ON THE EAST COAST. and then shes so sure your an evil cheat who tries to take out loan and screw her. the fact is shes poor, by way of her own actions and now that frustration gets to beat your head in, not ok.
shes absolutely toxic, aloof. sorry but your love for her is unrecpriocated and pathetic in a way: in that he beats me and is in jail buh i loves him kinda way...
so heres how it goes;
anyone who took steps to make you homeless is in danger, the same type of danger anyone would be in if they physically assaulted you. April has made a fierce mortal enemy of me. my onyl consolation is that any support and guidance she had in you is lost, i hope shes suffering that loss hard. if were lucky shell overdose or just forget to breathe via stupidity long enough she may expire and your well being will never be disrupted by her again.
-Mike
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